The Goat Says "MEH!"

The turkey goes "GOBBLE! GOBBLE!"

The horse goes "NIGH! NEIGH!"

The dog goes "WOOF! WOOF!"

From monkeys, to sharks, to lions, there are different species that call planet earth home.

All animals living on earth look different from the light brown fur covering their whole body, keeping them warm as they creep up and tackle sick, hopeless animals for their next meal, or blue and green scales covering up their small, slimy body as they uselessly swim around in their own filth however, when we see them, we can tell they are animals. It is the same with human beings.

When we look at each other we see different colors, shapes, and sizes but if you put us behind an x-ray, and view under our skin, our bones are the same, we would not be able to recognize each other. But under our skin and bones, contains our soul, a personality; our mind in which we contain our own thoughts and feeling about not only ourselves, but of each other.

We gather these thoughts and feelings from when we were very young from family, friends, and society that surrounds all of us by what we are taught and what sounds and images we hear everyday. What we learn from others, these sounds, and images we hear and surround ourselves with everyday, build up one on top of each other and soon they build our identity.

On September 7th, 2012, the Bayan Learning Community went through different activities to become comfortable with one another and to get to know each other. One activity was called “Wagon Wheel.”

As a class, we were told to pair up in partners of two, each facing one another and other surrounding in a circle.

Once the partners faced one another the individual on the outer circle had to ask the person sitting on the outside of the circle question that was provided.

When the questions were asked and time was up the person sitting in the inside of the circle had to move over two places to the left, leaving their old partner and taking the questionnaire with them.

Once with their new partner, the people sitting in the inside of the circle passed the questionnaire over to their new partner and the person sitting in the inside of the circle was not being asked the questions.

I was able to ask the questions to my partner, whom I forget their name, the questions from the handout first but when it was flipped over to me to answer them, I hesitated.

“When did you first realize race could be problematic?” he asked me.

"Uhhh," I responded.

I have never thought about this before, let alone had someone question me.

He started to look impatient with his arms crossed as he asked me the question again, “When did you first realize race could be problematic?”

I thought about it a little more. Flashbacks of my childhood came flowing into my mind, kids making fun of my English accent, teasing me for the color of my skin. 

My partner gave me a blank glance and grumbled "Well?"

"Looking for work." I lied.

I realized that my race would be a problem for me since I was a little girl. I am the only person in my family that doesn't look Mexican. I did not fit in. I will never fit in, they would tell me. When I started preschool children would ask me, "What are you?"

"I don't know." I hesitated.

"Your not a real person, your an alien!" they would laugh.

"Hello?" My partner waves his hands in front of me, "You ok?"

"Yeah, sorry, whats the next question?"

“Describe the first time you consciously first realized you were a member of your race/ethnicity.” looking disinterested. 

"I don't know, I never felt like I belonged with an race or ethnicity."

"Never."

"Yup."

Race and ethnicity makes someone who they are. It is embedded in part of their personality, their identity but I always felt like I have to prove my race and ethnicity to others.

Is it because I am not a "stereotypical" Mexicana?!

Is it because people always mistaken me as a white girl?!

 

I will never know.....

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Hollywood Boulevard

 

Riding my bicycle along Hollywood Boulevard today I saw him in the crowd - noticed him instantly.
When we reached each other, I said hi and asked if he would mind if I took his photo.

“You want my photo?”

"Yeah," I said. "There’s nobody like you."

“I know.”

And he smiled for me, although his face was evidently destroyed by something, and his mouth reconstructed. I asked him what happened.

“Shot,” he said. “Shot in the face.”

He motioned a gun at close range being shot directly into his face.

"And you survived that?" I asked.

“No,” he said with a smile. “I’m dead.”

I apologized for what was a stupid question, but it was hard to fathom - gun shot- close range - into his face, and he lived?

"So what happened?" I asked. "Was it an accident, or did someone mean to shoot you?"

“I did it myself. Tried to kill myself.” 

"You did?" 

“Yeah.” 

"Where?" 

“Arizona.” 

"Phoenix?" 

“Tucson.” 

"So tell me, how did it feel, after you shot yourself in the face and realized you were not dead?"

“Agony. The worst agony ever.” 

"Man." 

“Yeah.” 

"What kind of gun?"

“30-aught-six.”

I was thunderstruck. I have met and photographed many people humans who have overcome amazing adversity.

Lydia, who was burnt almost to death. Ray, whose eye was gone. Margaret, who weighed over 500 pounds. But this. Man. And yet he was smiling.

I told him what I thought: God gives everyone a different life - and some people get really really hard lives.

“That’s me. Doesn’t get much worse.”

Told me he’s on the street. Homeless. I asked him how bad it was that he wanted to die.

“Bad. Really bad. The worse kind.” 

"Are you gonna try again?" 

“No. I tried once. That’s enough.”

And yet he smiled. He smiled for me. This man with his face blown off, by his own hand. And here he is - in the sunshine, listening to music, smiling.

Sometimes our lives seem hard, unbearable even but then we meet Kevin, or Lydia, or Ray.

And realize again how lucky we are.

Credit

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A.R.M.S?

You had better things to do.

Like getting your nails done at the salon and shopping for that cute blue mini skirt you saw on Fashion Police or playing video games with a few of your bro’s, seeing who can chug down those last couple cans of beer before vomiting into the gray bucket in your lap.

Of course waiting the last minute, you type up that four page paper, trying to complete the assignment hours before class starts. Staying up to the break of dawn you finally finish that paper for that one class with that person that you have had a crush on for years with their back always facing you during class.

Soon you finished that long paper, faster than you thought you could and with so much time to spare you start drifting off to sleep but wait! You are going to present the paper in front of the class.

Fuck!

You don’t want to sound like an idiot in front of the class, especially with your crush sitting right in front of you, it is time for you to revise.

Revising papers can be a bit stressful if you don’t know what to look for or even not knowing the steps in you need to take, in order to revise. Just stick with “A.R.M.S.” No not your physical arms, “A.R.M.S.” With “A.R.M.S,” you take steps to look through that long essay and make it sound clear and organized.

First you start with the first letter, the letter “A.”

Is there anything you have forgotten to add in your essay? If there is, add it to the rest of your essay were you think it belongs.

Second is “R.”

Rereading your essay, did you find anything that doesn’t seem to belong in you essay? Then remove what doesn’t belong.

After removing what doesn’t relate to your essay, it is time to make your essay flow. Play and move around parts of your essay to make your essay run smoother, “M,” move things around.

After setting you essay down, is there anything that needs to be in a little more detail?

Make everything more specific! For example, what type of dog ran? The brown, dirty dog ran away from animal control because it did not want to go to the pound, duh!

Well the audience won’t know unless you specify your facts with these details. If you don’t the reader would just know the dog ran, it ran for no freaking reason even though you know that it did not want to get caught. “S,” specify chucks with details.

Soon, you have proudly revised your essay. Just give yourself a high five. Now all you got left to do is recite it in front of your class and your crush.

Don’t be nervous, you know your essay sound’s great after removing, rereading, rearranging, and specified everything and your crush won’t think that you’re an idiot. Maybe they’ll ask you for some one on one alone study time to help them on their essay.

Ok, maybe not.


 But one can dream.

 

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Four Corners

Everyone has their sense of identity.

Identity is what makes us who we are.

It is in the silver lining what we are made to be, what we are going to be, and who we are but we ever thought about our own identity?

On September 6, 2012, the class and some returning classmates from the previous semester were asked questions concerning their identity and answering by moving to the corner that most corresponds to their answer.

For example a question was asked, “Which aspect of your identity do others typically react to the least?”

The class was given for answers to choose from that consists of ether race and ethnicity, gender, sex, and sexual orientation, class and socioeconomic status, and faith and spirituality. Each corner of the room had a clear mark or label with each of these answers.

For the question, “Which aspect of your identity do others typically react to the least?” had walked to the corner displaying gender, sex, and sexual orientation because I feel like one doesn’t really make a big deal when they notice what sexual orientation, sex, or gender you are. “Oh, you’re a female? Ok.” And one doesn’t think more than that about your sexual orientation, sex, or gender you are.

Doing this exercise was quite difficult because I have not asked myself these questions before thus, I did not have an answer and it took me some time in order to answer the question and move to the comer displaying my answer.

For example, the class was asked “Which aspect of identity most divides your family of origin?” I had chosen class and socioeconomic status. I had not thought about it before. My family seems really greedy. To me they seem to care most about living in a big house, fancy cars, and designer brands. They want me to have a career that fill my wallet but I tend rather care about following my heart. Because of this, it has caused a lot of conflict in my family.

This is a great exercise and when it was completed I found myself still questioning myself the questions asked.

I guess I still have more thinking to do in order to understand and discover myself.         

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Blog Grids

 People tend to express themselves in different ways.

Some individuals tend to express themselves through artwork with paintings, sculptures, and drawings. Some may express their inner most thoughts and feeling through music, from relating to the lyrics to the song or hearing the soft piano music sooth your mind and put you at ease and for others they may drift and let the flow of the music take them away to a safe place but for others they blog, they generate their thoughts and feelings onto paper, type them up, and publish their thoughts, ideas, and opinions online for others to read to relate, or understand a different point of view other than their own.

 

In Bayan Community, English 114, the class was given a grid. The task was to complete the grid by answering its questions. The way to complete the grid is that we had to gather all pervious reflection assignments and using the reflection papers as a template, one slowly completes the grid.  One question that was asked on the grid assignment was, “Who’s my intended audience?” For example, with one of my reflection papers was about the chaos that crashers create on the first couple of days of the start of the semester. I mention that crashers delay class time and lose student focus to learn and keep professors from educating their students. At the end of the reflection paper I state and or call out “If you are that individual crashing.” So who is my intended audience?

 

My main intended audience is the crashers, or freshman that is entering a college environment for the first time. Other people who may also be a part of my intended audience may be new professors who never taught in a college educational setting before or parents whom would like to understand what the first day may be like for their children. Another question being asked on the grid assignment is, “Links? YouTube Clips? Images?” The use of these materials is extremely important. It stimulates the brain and keeps the reader of the blog interested.

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The Dark Black Wall

As human, being their own education journey, one tends to create their ambition to be successful in whatever aspect of education they would love to excel in.

 

From receiving the grade you longed for after studying all hours of the dark night, rereading the same study material over and over again until it seems imbedded in your tiresome mind or having the motivation to arrive to the class needed in order to attain that degree in the area you have the greatest passion for but for most individuals, they’ll have a block.

 

This block keeps ones dreams and goals from becoming reality. This wall made of fear and worry with hints of doubt keeping you from reaching the happiness and joy that is waiting for you on the other side of the dark wall.

 

Every human being on the planet has a wall that is keeping them away to be able to finish their educational goal whether, not having enough money paying for expensive courses, not having safe transportation getting to and from campus, or even being undecided with what they would want to do in their life, thus not having the motivation to even register for classes.

 

My personal road block is my family and myself. While going through the transition from being a small, shy, young girl, to becoming an adult, getting prepared to survive in the real world, I was forced to live in my family’s image with no opinion, having no personality of my own.

 

I felt like a wooden puppet forced to perform in front of ungracious savages criticizing my every move. When unpleased, wildly pushing themselves towards me with containers full of different dark colored paints and ribbons, cutting me off from the small clear white strings connected towards the heavens, bringing me down and while exchanging devilish glances, unlatching my limbs, repainting my bright bold colors of joy to dark shades of blacks and greys.

When satisfied with the transition, they force me upon the dark cold stage connecting me to their hands, controlling all of my movements.

As I broke away and created my own goals my parents became furious. They tried any way to change my personality, my likes and interests.

Feeling a sense of guilt I started to listen to my parents and soon a wall built of anger, doubts, and pain. I tried to avoid it by reaching one the black icy bricks my eyes lay upon and start my climb but soon I am covered in a bitter fog and not being able to see where to take the next step upwards.

As weight started to push me down, I feel a chill traveling through my spine and I soon descend down. Once at the bottom I feel worse about myself then before.

I tried going around the wall but yet again I was covered in a bitter fog of uncertainty and soon I was back to where I was. I tried to dig my way under; soon I get stuck in a trench of darkness having to climb my way out, away from the depths of hell. Soon I am back.

I start to turn around and give up on my ambitions but suddenly a stream of light piercing through the dark from a small crack in the wall. Glancing through the crack I see myself.

I see my wonderful children and my loving husband, viewing me as a positive role model for their life while I am doing the hobbies I enjoy doing. I am happy and successful with no financial worries. I am working with children and making a positive influence in their life.

After seeing the glimpse of what I can become I have never felt so motivated.

What do I do to get over my wall?

What will I need?

First, I will have to think positive thoughts of myself, getting rid of all negative thoughts embedded in my head.

Goodbye are the thoughts of doubt! Goodbye the thoughts of failing! Goodbye the thoughts that I am not good enough!

Second, I will need to stop caring about the opinions and ignore the antagonistic ways of my family. My family always tells me that I am not good enough, I’m stupid and selfish. Trying to speak my opinion my family shuts me up telling me my opinion “doesn’t matter” and I am never going to achieve anything in life. When their friends ask who I am, they act as if they don’t know me because of my weight. To them, I am the embarrassment of the family and they do not let me forget it.

 I get blamed for their mistakes and their failures. I have been taking what they have been saying close to heart and soon I believed every negative word said as it oozed out of their mouth but, recently I learned.

Is what is being said helping me be successful?

No! No it is not!

I learned that I need to ignore the negativity being said. It is not helping me and it is not true, for the truth is the only thing I can store in my heart!

Lastly, I will need to focus on my studies. To achieve my dreams of becoming a teacher I need to put in the effort by finishing all assigned assignments, attending class, asking questions, taking notes, and studying before every exam. That way I can get the degree that I need in order to become a teacher, move out of the house I reside in and live my long happy life.

Jodi Picoult once said, “There is always going to be bad stuff out there. But here is the amazing thing- life trumps darkness every time. You can stick a candle in to the dark, but you can’t stick the dark into the light.”

I slowly break down my wall and little by little I feel the warmth of the light tease my skin. It may take days, weeks, months or years, but I know that one day my wall will be completely broken down into rubble.

One day, I will be able to dance in the warmth of the light.

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Ikaw, "You Will Say Sorry"

People say  we are defined by our past. But What if the history from your past isn’t that grand? Do you refuse it or do you learn to accept it? Kevin Nadal wrote a poem called "Ikaw" from his early college days. He expresses his anger from what he and others have gone through with the stereotypes living in America and situations that the media does not bring up to light from the past and the present. Combined with poetry he expresses his feelings mixed with historical facts to inform his audience. I was shocked and surprised. I did not know information that was said imbedded in this poem.

I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed that I did not know this information and I feel like every other society, brain washed American. It makes me angry that the media does not cover important topics other than Obama’s new, fluffy, poodle puppy in the big white house that is chewing up all of the furniture and bit the emperor of japan during a ceremonial dinner of the rich, important people of the world, or celebrities dramatically breaking up with cheating scandals, messy divorces (Oh no! Who is going to get the $65 billion dollar mansion with a built in five lane bowling alley and gold encrusted toilets?), or partying underage in night clubs flashing their ‘who ha” to egger paparazzi as they step into taxi cabs. I feel ashamed. When did the public stop caring about important issues that have an impact on themselves? Are we as Americans really that self-centered and selfish? Why in America, issues are only viewed as a battle between “black and white?” What about everyone else? Being a Mexican American, I thought being a Mexican was hard to be recognized in society. I can relate to Kevin. My whole life I was discriminated against and was not told important details and historical events from my past family history which makes a part of who I am. When I used to live in Mexico and I was treated differently because of my skin color. My skin is too white to be a “real” Mexican thus I don’t need to know important information. It is like having colored sunglasses. You can see what is in front of you but when you remove the colored leans away from your face the perspective changes like one big illusion. I learned a lot of historical events and learned how crude really society is.

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Meeting New People

Walking up to the old, gray, heavy, wooden door and stretching your arm to reach the metal, germ infested handle, gripping its smooth, cold, dirty, surface, the handle is pushed down and the door creaks open. Heads turn as hundreds of curious, judgmental eyes stare at your arrival. Hundreds of eyes filled with humanly emotion.

Some filled maybe with worry from starting off their first day of college, some may be filled with happiness, excited to see old friends again, moving to a new area, or making their payment on something desired and some may be filled with anger from losing their home or breaking a relationship, you can see the emotion in their eyes, judging you as you sit down into an empty blue chair.

The room is in cold silence as you survey the room, glancing at whoever walks through the door. The process is repeated week every week. No one acknowledges each other while we all judge ourselves and the rest of the classmates. Being in a new environment ether starting a new job, moving to a new home, or attending a n

ew learning environment is nerve racking. From my personal opinion, attending a new class is ghostlike.   One can make the argument that they do not think thoughts of others but we all form opinions of each other whether they may be positive or negative. Giving your students questions and being forced to talk to others eliminates that fear if others may like them or being accepted with their fellow classmates.

It creates a cheerful classroom environment and both makes learning enjoyable for both the students and the professors. That way students understand the material they need to learn and their professor can not only learn from their students but have a positive relationship with them as well.

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First Day of Colleges Beloved "Crashers"

The first couple of day’s returning or starting college for the first time drives both students and teachers berserk. From slowly rising out of your soft, comfortable bed reaching to the ground, picking up and putting on that blue wrinkled shirt over your head onto your limp, tiresome body, or driving your cheap, beat up white van into bumper to bumper  traffic, yelling at that rich guy in the shiny new Lamborghini for cutting you off on the freeway. When finally slowly pulling into the campuses few parking areas you end up trying to seize that last parking spot with the closest walk from campus and waiting in long endless lines of bodies just to purchase the textbooks and supply’s needed for the semester. But the craziest thing about attending the first couple of days of college is those students trying to add courses the very last minute, hence the dear and beloved crashers. Most professors on college campuses around the world enjoy teaching their students and are willing to start the lesson the first day of class but it is quite difficult to teach when every so often a student casually walks in and says loudly, “Are you accepting any crashers?” Students quickly tune out and turn away from the professor in front of the room teaching, staring intensity at the student hopelessly trying to set the class side by side with the rest of their courses in their schedule.

It delays class time and loses student focus to learn as they slouch down in their seat glancing towards the door, trying to guess when the next “crasher” bursts through the door and announcing into the classroom their attempt to enroll as if something tragic or exciting has happened usually within the first five minutes of class. As time passes, more and more crashers poke their head in through the barley closed door like they were those brown little furry animals from the children’s arcade game Whack A Mole. If you are that individual crashing courses, be prepared to fight to your dying breath for that last spot in the course you need to take. You will slowly learn that waiting last minute trying to get into the classes you need, maybe was not the brightest idea in your book. If you are allowed to attend the course you crashed, rejoice! Congratulations and good luck with the rest of your school year!

 

 

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