Are We Who We Really Are?

“Is it who we really are? Or who we want to be, or should be?” 
 

This is one of many questions Ms. Thandie Newton asked her audience in July 2011 on Embracing Otherness, Embracing Myself.

She explains her journey, “the journey to that place of understanding and acceptance. The self’s struggle for authenticity and definition will never end unless it’s connected to its creator with awareness of the reality of oneness and the projection of self-hood. Imagine what kind of existence we can have if we honor inevitable death of self, appreciate the privilege of life and marvel at what comes next.”

When hearing her speech I was in awe.

I would never have the thought that an actress would be so educated.

Thandie made me ask myself, “Do I appreciate life? Do I follow cultures standards on how we view each other? Have I lost my own self of self?”

I have found that I myself have lost my own sense of self. I would never think that all of our opinions on how we view our own life have been formed by others opinions and thoughts. Because of this I have been thinking of my own self and I have discovered I have been following cultures standards on how I view others.

I need to learn to form my own opinions and thoughts on subjects and enjoy or appreciate what life has to offer more.

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The Difference Between Extrovert and a Introvert

As I walk down a busy street to get to my destination I can not help but glance at people who are walking right past me. I can tell their human from their facial features, how the carry themselves as they walk past me. We all have the same features that make us human for example, having our bright eyes below our bushy eyebrows; they are almost identical on each side of our face. We are human so we must all be the same? No, every human on earth is their own self.

Some being’s love monkeying around the television with their friends with tortilla chips and salsa in different, bright, colorful bowls on the small, wooden, brown stained coffee table right in front of them, shoving chips in their mouth while watching their favorite team makes a touch down, while others would prefer snuggling up into their soft blue couch with smooth jazz softly playing in the background while reading their favorite novel. They both are human but they enjoy doing different things. How do we identify with what we enjoy doing and whom we like to befriend with?

We identify with our personality. Our personality is our identity, it makes us who we are and every single human being on the planet earth has in fact their own personality that makes their identity. Some people are outgoing and enjoy conversing with random strangers down the street while others would much rather keep to themselves. I for instants am an extrovert. What is an extrovert? Well it is a certain personality trait that makes the individuals personality. Ok, I understand that portion but what exactly is an extrovert?

An extrovert is “a person whose interest is more in his environment and in other people than in himself; a person who is active and expressive.”For example, they are usually those annoying people who try talk make conversation with you while our trying to do something important, perhaps waiting impatiently in line at your local Starbucks to get your coffee before work and an individual tries to make conversation with you and even after getting the warm, steaming cup of coffee that you ordered, the insist for you to sit down with them and make conversation. Extroverts tend to use a lot of hand movements they talk to you, as if there is an fly circling around your head as you two make conversation or it may seem as if they are making up some new dance moves and not even paying one attention as your speaking about your dog getting into the garbage can, again.

Being an extrovert, I tend to constantly annoy my own self. I tend to talk a lot on pointless useless topics on the weather, clothing, or even how fresh the crisp breeze feels as it brushes against my clothes. I tend to annoy any introverts around me.

An introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. While I am trying to socialize with an introvert and talk about how the building is dark brown but when the suns rays hit the side of the building it looks like its in a different shade of “toffee brown,” they tend to stare at me going on and own about this brown building, thinking to themselves, “Why is this person so desperately trying to point out this brown building to me? What is the point of this conversation?” An introvert tends to keep to themselves and usually have a small circle of friends as extroverts tend to socialize around them and talk to anyone within five feet away from them.

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Hollywood Boulevard

 

Riding my bicycle along Hollywood Boulevard today I saw him in the crowd - noticed him instantly.
When we reached each other, I said hi and asked if he would mind if I took his photo.

“You want my photo?”

"Yeah," I said. "There’s nobody like you."

“I know.”

And he smiled for me, although his face was evidently destroyed by something, and his mouth reconstructed. I asked him what happened.

“Shot,” he said. “Shot in the face.”

He motioned a gun at close range being shot directly into his face.

"And you survived that?" I asked.

“No,” he said with a smile. “I’m dead.”

I apologized for what was a stupid question, but it was hard to fathom - gun shot- close range - into his face, and he lived?

"So what happened?" I asked. "Was it an accident, or did someone mean to shoot you?"

“I did it myself. Tried to kill myself.” 

"You did?" 

“Yeah.” 

"Where?" 

“Arizona.” 

"Phoenix?" 

“Tucson.” 

"So tell me, how did it feel, after you shot yourself in the face and realized you were not dead?"

“Agony. The worst agony ever.” 

"Man." 

“Yeah.” 

"What kind of gun?"

“30-aught-six.”

I was thunderstruck. I have met and photographed many people humans who have overcome amazing adversity.

Lydia, who was burnt almost to death. Ray, whose eye was gone. Margaret, who weighed over 500 pounds. But this. Man. And yet he was smiling.

I told him what I thought: God gives everyone a different life - and some people get really really hard lives.

“That’s me. Doesn’t get much worse.”

Told me he’s on the street. Homeless. I asked him how bad it was that he wanted to die.

“Bad. Really bad. The worse kind.” 

"Are you gonna try again?" 

“No. I tried once. That’s enough.”

And yet he smiled. He smiled for me. This man with his face blown off, by his own hand. And here he is - in the sunshine, listening to music, smiling.

Sometimes our lives seem hard, unbearable even but then we meet Kevin, or Lydia, or Ray.

And realize again how lucky we are.

Credit

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A.R.M.S?

You had better things to do.

Like getting your nails done at the salon and shopping for that cute blue mini skirt you saw on Fashion Police or playing video games with a few of your bro’s, seeing who can chug down those last couple cans of beer before vomiting into the gray bucket in your lap.

Of course waiting the last minute, you type up that four page paper, trying to complete the assignment hours before class starts. Staying up to the break of dawn you finally finish that paper for that one class with that person that you have had a crush on for years with their back always facing you during class.

Soon you finished that long paper, faster than you thought you could and with so much time to spare you start drifting off to sleep but wait! You are going to present the paper in front of the class.

Fuck!

You don’t want to sound like an idiot in front of the class, especially with your crush sitting right in front of you, it is time for you to revise.

Revising papers can be a bit stressful if you don’t know what to look for or even not knowing the steps in you need to take, in order to revise. Just stick with “A.R.M.S.” No not your physical arms, “A.R.M.S.” With “A.R.M.S,” you take steps to look through that long essay and make it sound clear and organized.

First you start with the first letter, the letter “A.”

Is there anything you have forgotten to add in your essay? If there is, add it to the rest of your essay were you think it belongs.

Second is “R.”

Rereading your essay, did you find anything that doesn’t seem to belong in you essay? Then remove what doesn’t belong.

After removing what doesn’t relate to your essay, it is time to make your essay flow. Play and move around parts of your essay to make your essay run smoother, “M,” move things around.

After setting you essay down, is there anything that needs to be in a little more detail?

Make everything more specific! For example, what type of dog ran? The brown, dirty dog ran away from animal control because it did not want to go to the pound, duh!

Well the audience won’t know unless you specify your facts with these details. If you don’t the reader would just know the dog ran, it ran for no freaking reason even though you know that it did not want to get caught. “S,” specify chucks with details.

Soon, you have proudly revised your essay. Just give yourself a high five. Now all you got left to do is recite it in front of your class and your crush.

Don’t be nervous, you know your essay sound’s great after removing, rereading, rearranging, and specified everything and your crush won’t think that you’re an idiot. Maybe they’ll ask you for some one on one alone study time to help them on their essay.

Ok, maybe not.


 But one can dream.

 

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The Dark Black Wall

As human, being their own education journey, one tends to create their ambition to be successful in whatever aspect of education they would love to excel in.

 

From receiving the grade you longed for after studying all hours of the dark night, rereading the same study material over and over again until it seems imbedded in your tiresome mind or having the motivation to arrive to the class needed in order to attain that degree in the area you have the greatest passion for but for most individuals, they’ll have a block.

 

This block keeps ones dreams and goals from becoming reality. This wall made of fear and worry with hints of doubt keeping you from reaching the happiness and joy that is waiting for you on the other side of the dark wall.

 

Every human being on the planet has a wall that is keeping them away to be able to finish their educational goal whether, not having enough money paying for expensive courses, not having safe transportation getting to and from campus, or even being undecided with what they would want to do in their life, thus not having the motivation to even register for classes.

 

My personal road block is my family and myself. While going through the transition from being a small, shy, young girl, to becoming an adult, getting prepared to survive in the real world, I was forced to live in my family’s image with no opinion, having no personality of my own.

 

I felt like a wooden puppet forced to perform in front of ungracious savages criticizing my every move. When unpleased, wildly pushing themselves towards me with containers full of different dark colored paints and ribbons, cutting me off from the small clear white strings connected towards the heavens, bringing me down and while exchanging devilish glances, unlatching my limbs, repainting my bright bold colors of joy to dark shades of blacks and greys.

When satisfied with the transition, they force me upon the dark cold stage connecting me to their hands, controlling all of my movements.

As I broke away and created my own goals my parents became furious. They tried any way to change my personality, my likes and interests.

Feeling a sense of guilt I started to listen to my parents and soon a wall built of anger, doubts, and pain. I tried to avoid it by reaching one the black icy bricks my eyes lay upon and start my climb but soon I am covered in a bitter fog and not being able to see where to take the next step upwards.

As weight started to push me down, I feel a chill traveling through my spine and I soon descend down. Once at the bottom I feel worse about myself then before.

I tried going around the wall but yet again I was covered in a bitter fog of uncertainty and soon I was back to where I was. I tried to dig my way under; soon I get stuck in a trench of darkness having to climb my way out, away from the depths of hell. Soon I am back.

I start to turn around and give up on my ambitions but suddenly a stream of light piercing through the dark from a small crack in the wall. Glancing through the crack I see myself.

I see my wonderful children and my loving husband, viewing me as a positive role model for their life while I am doing the hobbies I enjoy doing. I am happy and successful with no financial worries. I am working with children and making a positive influence in their life.

After seeing the glimpse of what I can become I have never felt so motivated.

What do I do to get over my wall?

What will I need?

First, I will have to think positive thoughts of myself, getting rid of all negative thoughts embedded in my head.

Goodbye are the thoughts of doubt! Goodbye the thoughts of failing! Goodbye the thoughts that I am not good enough!

Second, I will need to stop caring about the opinions and ignore the antagonistic ways of my family. My family always tells me that I am not good enough, I’m stupid and selfish. Trying to speak my opinion my family shuts me up telling me my opinion “doesn’t matter” and I am never going to achieve anything in life. When their friends ask who I am, they act as if they don’t know me because of my weight. To them, I am the embarrassment of the family and they do not let me forget it.

 I get blamed for their mistakes and their failures. I have been taking what they have been saying close to heart and soon I believed every negative word said as it oozed out of their mouth but, recently I learned.

Is what is being said helping me be successful?

No! No it is not!

I learned that I need to ignore the negativity being said. It is not helping me and it is not true, for the truth is the only thing I can store in my heart!

Lastly, I will need to focus on my studies. To achieve my dreams of becoming a teacher I need to put in the effort by finishing all assigned assignments, attending class, asking questions, taking notes, and studying before every exam. That way I can get the degree that I need in order to become a teacher, move out of the house I reside in and live my long happy life.

Jodi Picoult once said, “There is always going to be bad stuff out there. But here is the amazing thing- life trumps darkness every time. You can stick a candle in to the dark, but you can’t stick the dark into the light.”

I slowly break down my wall and little by little I feel the warmth of the light tease my skin. It may take days, weeks, months or years, but I know that one day my wall will be completely broken down into rubble.

One day, I will be able to dance in the warmth of the light.

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Meeting New People

Walking up to the old, gray, heavy, wooden door and stretching your arm to reach the metal, germ infested handle, gripping its smooth, cold, dirty, surface, the handle is pushed down and the door creaks open. Heads turn as hundreds of curious, judgmental eyes stare at your arrival. Hundreds of eyes filled with humanly emotion.

Some filled maybe with worry from starting off their first day of college, some may be filled with happiness, excited to see old friends again, moving to a new area, or making their payment on something desired and some may be filled with anger from losing their home or breaking a relationship, you can see the emotion in their eyes, judging you as you sit down into an empty blue chair.

The room is in cold silence as you survey the room, glancing at whoever walks through the door. The process is repeated week every week. No one acknowledges each other while we all judge ourselves and the rest of the classmates. Being in a new environment ether starting a new job, moving to a new home, or attending a n

ew learning environment is nerve racking. From my personal opinion, attending a new class is ghostlike.   One can make the argument that they do not think thoughts of others but we all form opinions of each other whether they may be positive or negative. Giving your students questions and being forced to talk to others eliminates that fear if others may like them or being accepted with their fellow classmates.

It creates a cheerful classroom environment and both makes learning enjoyable for both the students and the professors. That way students understand the material they need to learn and their professor can not only learn from their students but have a positive relationship with them as well.

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First Day of Colleges Beloved "Crashers"

The first couple of day’s returning or starting college for the first time drives both students and teachers berserk. From slowly rising out of your soft, comfortable bed reaching to the ground, picking up and putting on that blue wrinkled shirt over your head onto your limp, tiresome body, or driving your cheap, beat up white van into bumper to bumper  traffic, yelling at that rich guy in the shiny new Lamborghini for cutting you off on the freeway. When finally slowly pulling into the campuses few parking areas you end up trying to seize that last parking spot with the closest walk from campus and waiting in long endless lines of bodies just to purchase the textbooks and supply’s needed for the semester. But the craziest thing about attending the first couple of days of college is those students trying to add courses the very last minute, hence the dear and beloved crashers. Most professors on college campuses around the world enjoy teaching their students and are willing to start the lesson the first day of class but it is quite difficult to teach when every so often a student casually walks in and says loudly, “Are you accepting any crashers?” Students quickly tune out and turn away from the professor in front of the room teaching, staring intensity at the student hopelessly trying to set the class side by side with the rest of their courses in their schedule.

It delays class time and loses student focus to learn as they slouch down in their seat glancing towards the door, trying to guess when the next “crasher” bursts through the door and announcing into the classroom their attempt to enroll as if something tragic or exciting has happened usually within the first five minutes of class. As time passes, more and more crashers poke their head in through the barley closed door like they were those brown little furry animals from the children’s arcade game Whack A Mole. If you are that individual crashing courses, be prepared to fight to your dying breath for that last spot in the course you need to take. You will slowly learn that waiting last minute trying to get into the classes you need, maybe was not the brightest idea in your book. If you are allowed to attend the course you crashed, rejoice! Congratulations and good luck with the rest of your school year!

 

 

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