Are We Who We Really Are?

“Is it who we really are? Or who we want to be, or should be?” 
 

This is one of many questions Ms. Thandie Newton asked her audience in July 2011 on Embracing Otherness, Embracing Myself.

She explains her journey, “the journey to that place of understanding and acceptance. The self’s struggle for authenticity and definition will never end unless it’s connected to its creator with awareness of the reality of oneness and the projection of self-hood. Imagine what kind of existence we can have if we honor inevitable death of self, appreciate the privilege of life and marvel at what comes next.”

When hearing her speech I was in awe.

I would never have the thought that an actress would be so educated.

Thandie made me ask myself, “Do I appreciate life? Do I follow cultures standards on how we view each other? Have I lost my own self of self?”

I have found that I myself have lost my own sense of self. I would never think that all of our opinions on how we view our own life have been formed by others opinions and thoughts. Because of this I have been thinking of my own self and I have discovered I have been following cultures standards on how I view others.

I need to learn to form my own opinions and thoughts on subjects and enjoy or appreciate what life has to offer more.

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The Dark Black Wall

As human, being their own education journey, one tends to create their ambition to be successful in whatever aspect of education they would love to excel in.

 

From receiving the grade you longed for after studying all hours of the dark night, rereading the same study material over and over again until it seems imbedded in your tiresome mind or having the motivation to arrive to the class needed in order to attain that degree in the area you have the greatest passion for but for most individuals, they’ll have a block.

 

This block keeps ones dreams and goals from becoming reality. This wall made of fear and worry with hints of doubt keeping you from reaching the happiness and joy that is waiting for you on the other side of the dark wall.

 

Every human being on the planet has a wall that is keeping them away to be able to finish their educational goal whether, not having enough money paying for expensive courses, not having safe transportation getting to and from campus, or even being undecided with what they would want to do in their life, thus not having the motivation to even register for classes.

 

My personal road block is my family and myself. While going through the transition from being a small, shy, young girl, to becoming an adult, getting prepared to survive in the real world, I was forced to live in my family’s image with no opinion, having no personality of my own.

 

I felt like a wooden puppet forced to perform in front of ungracious savages criticizing my every move. When unpleased, wildly pushing themselves towards me with containers full of different dark colored paints and ribbons, cutting me off from the small clear white strings connected towards the heavens, bringing me down and while exchanging devilish glances, unlatching my limbs, repainting my bright bold colors of joy to dark shades of blacks and greys.

When satisfied with the transition, they force me upon the dark cold stage connecting me to their hands, controlling all of my movements.

As I broke away and created my own goals my parents became furious. They tried any way to change my personality, my likes and interests.

Feeling a sense of guilt I started to listen to my parents and soon a wall built of anger, doubts, and pain. I tried to avoid it by reaching one the black icy bricks my eyes lay upon and start my climb but soon I am covered in a bitter fog and not being able to see where to take the next step upwards.

As weight started to push me down, I feel a chill traveling through my spine and I soon descend down. Once at the bottom I feel worse about myself then before.

I tried going around the wall but yet again I was covered in a bitter fog of uncertainty and soon I was back to where I was. I tried to dig my way under; soon I get stuck in a trench of darkness having to climb my way out, away from the depths of hell. Soon I am back.

I start to turn around and give up on my ambitions but suddenly a stream of light piercing through the dark from a small crack in the wall. Glancing through the crack I see myself.

I see my wonderful children and my loving husband, viewing me as a positive role model for their life while I am doing the hobbies I enjoy doing. I am happy and successful with no financial worries. I am working with children and making a positive influence in their life.

After seeing the glimpse of what I can become I have never felt so motivated.

What do I do to get over my wall?

What will I need?

First, I will have to think positive thoughts of myself, getting rid of all negative thoughts embedded in my head.

Goodbye are the thoughts of doubt! Goodbye the thoughts of failing! Goodbye the thoughts that I am not good enough!

Second, I will need to stop caring about the opinions and ignore the antagonistic ways of my family. My family always tells me that I am not good enough, I’m stupid and selfish. Trying to speak my opinion my family shuts me up telling me my opinion “doesn’t matter” and I am never going to achieve anything in life. When their friends ask who I am, they act as if they don’t know me because of my weight. To them, I am the embarrassment of the family and they do not let me forget it.

 I get blamed for their mistakes and their failures. I have been taking what they have been saying close to heart and soon I believed every negative word said as it oozed out of their mouth but, recently I learned.

Is what is being said helping me be successful?

No! No it is not!

I learned that I need to ignore the negativity being said. It is not helping me and it is not true, for the truth is the only thing I can store in my heart!

Lastly, I will need to focus on my studies. To achieve my dreams of becoming a teacher I need to put in the effort by finishing all assigned assignments, attending class, asking questions, taking notes, and studying before every exam. That way I can get the degree that I need in order to become a teacher, move out of the house I reside in and live my long happy life.

Jodi Picoult once said, “There is always going to be bad stuff out there. But here is the amazing thing- life trumps darkness every time. You can stick a candle in to the dark, but you can’t stick the dark into the light.”

I slowly break down my wall and little by little I feel the warmth of the light tease my skin. It may take days, weeks, months or years, but I know that one day my wall will be completely broken down into rubble.

One day, I will be able to dance in the warmth of the light.

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